By L.A. PARKER
laparker@trentonian.com
So, a coworker told me the other day: “Hey, there’s one thing I won’t talk about at work.”
A pause preceded his answer.
“Religion.”
If you can’t talk about religion at work, then it’s really not worth having the discussion anywhere else. A discussion about the Mets starting rotation or how bad the Yankees will be this season could cause a ruckus.
Religion and this week’s topic regarding the significance of Pope Francis, formerly known as Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, seems tame enough.
Truthfully, I did not understand the hysteria regarding a new pope, although it’s pretty cool the way they use white smoke regarding a successor.
I don’t understand how one person impacts your ordinary Catholic’s life. He sounded wonderfully interested in helping the poor, but does his generosity translate to Catholics opening their wallets?
Should Trenton’s Catholic Diocese expect a windfall based on Pope Francis’ philanthropic direction?
A report detailed that Cardinal Bergoglio once used public transportation instead of a chauffeured limousine, cooked his own meals, stayed not in the bishop’s palace but in an apartment.
I don’t know if it’s possible to do Pope on the cheap, so to speak.
At some point, Pope Francis will speak on abortion, same-sex marriage, or contraception. His positions as an archbishop on these subjects are already known, but once spoken, will his thoughts change behavior, convince Catholics to spare contraception in place of a spoiled child.
“We should commit ourselves to ‘eucharistic coherence,’ that is, we should be conscious that people cannot receive holy communion and at the same time act or speak against the commandments, in particular when abortion, euthanasia, and other serious crimes against life and family are facilitated. The responsibility applies particularly to legislators, governors and health professionals,” Bergoglio communicated in 2007.
A CNN survey alleged that 75 percent of polled Catholics said they will more likely make their own decisions on moral questions than to follow Pope Francis’ teachings.
Hmmmmm. Sounds as if Catholics move toward an establishment of their own beliefs, a situation that exists in many other religious circles.
Essentially, Catholics celebrated a new leader but commit toward a self indulgent path for their lives.
If religion continues to conform to human behavior rather than maintain order, especially regarding Christ’s teachings, then this world will yield to destruction.
So, is Pope Francis relevantly important? Only if Catholics follow his lead. Which appears doubtful. Then no.
— L.A. Parker is a Trentonian columnist. He can be reached at laparker@trentonian.com.

By JEFF EDELSTEIN
jedelstein@trentonian.com
I’m just naive enough to believe. Not in matters of faith, but in matters of the here and now.
And that’s why I’m just naive enough to believe the Pope still matters in this fractured age, just naive to believe one man can move a billion (or more) to be better people, just naive enough to believe Pope Francis matters.
Of course — has to be said — Jews and Catholics don’t have the best historical record, but I’m not concerned about the past. The past doesn’t get the benefit of being seen through my naive glasses. But the here and now? I’m down, baby. And I think given the right set of circumstances — and the right Pope — a better world is within reach.
The Pope, in short, can matter. A lot. After all, there are 1.2 billion Catholics in the world. We’re talking nearly 20 percent of all humanity. And the Pope is in charge. To use the parlance of our times, he’s da man. As the Pope goes, so goes the religion.
And Pope Francis seems to be going the right way.
“How I would like a church,” he said last week, “that is poor and is for the poor.”
He’s already walking the walk — literally — as he’s eschewed his predecessor’s red shoes for some old black shoes, doesn’t seem interested in wearing anything but a simple crucifix, and his headgear is of the pared-down aesthetic.
He’s the Pope, unplugged.
And so this where the Pope matters. He matters because he has the earthly power to try and make the world a better place. When you’ve got 1.2 billion people behind you, a lot of good can come of that.
And yes, the Catholic Church has many scars and open wounds right now, and I’m not attempting to sweep any of that under the rug.
All I’m saying is at the right place and right time, the Pope can wield an impressive amount of power. And a truly humble Pope, a Pope who is one of the people, a Pope who genuinely seems concerned with the state of day-to-day affairs of the common man? Well, that’s a power I can get behind.
At least I’m naive enough to believe so.
— Read Jeff Edelstein every Sunday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. He can be reached at jedelstein@trentonian.com, facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and twitter.com/jeffedelstein.

In this weekly feature, found first in the print edition of The Trentonian every Wednesday, our two heavyweight columnists, L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will square off against one another, with dueling columns on the same topic.

In the lead-up to each Split Decision, our writers agree on a topic then head off to their respective corners to pen their pieces. Then, each Wednesday, you'll get two unique takes on the same subject.

In this round of Split Decision, L.A. and Jeff stake out their positions on the situation that's arisen around Gov. Chris Christie's wife's charity for victims of Hurricane Sandy.

Check out L.A.'s piece here and take a look at Jeff's over here, and tomorrow we'll be launching a poll to see who you thought had the right idea on the subject.

By JEFF EDELSTEIN
jedelstein@trentonian.com
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and the Jersey Shore isn’t being rebuilt in a single season.
It’s going to take years for the Superstorm Sandy-ravaged land to once again resemble what it once was, years for the victims of Sandy to recapture their lives on the once-idyllic coastline.
This is not a slam-bang project.
Money and support for the rebuilding project is needed now, tomorrow and well into the future.
And that’s why I think anyone who has issue with Mary Pat Christie’s Hurricane Sandy New Jersey Relief Fund should just take a step back.
Read more »

By L.A. PARKER
laparker@trentonian.com
Gov. Chris Christie reminds me a lot of my father.
No nonsense, Straight shooter. Bully.
Willie Lee Parker had a strong-arm approach to life as leader of his Winslow family household: “Do as I say, not as I do.”
So, it’s not surprising to see Gov. Christie doublecross on this dustup regarding delay in disbursing $32 million in donations to victims of Hurricane Sandy from a charity run by his wife.
First, this is the governor’s wife. I like the fact that he defends and supports his family. More husbands should follow Mr. Christie’s lead on being there when family members need rescue from a print journalist’s enlightening report.
Read more »

Tomorrow will see the coming of another Split Decision day.

Trentonian columnists L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will face off in seperate columns on the same subject. You can find it first in our print edition Wednesday morning, and we'll have it here later in the day.
So what will they be writing about this week?
This time out they're taking on the topic of the snafu surrounding Gov. Chris Christie's wife's charity for victims of Hurricane Sandy.
What will their takes on the subject be? Check it out in the Trentonian or right here on our Split Decision page.

The winner of our latest Split Decision poll? L.A. Parker!

L.A. Parker took away 80 percent of the vote in this week's poll, asking our readers which column they preferred about how and when to talk to kids about sex.
Better luck next time Jeff!
You can take another look at L.A.'s winning column here.
Stay tuned right here tomorrow, when we'll announce the next topic for our two writers to tackle.

If you missed this week's Split Decision, have no fear, here it is all together in one place!

This week's topic dealt with how and when to talk to kids about sex. You can check out L.A.'s take on the subject here, and see Jeff's opinion on it over here.

We're also running a poll, allowing you to voice your opinion on who you thought had the right idea on the subject. Take a look at the columns, then make your pick here.

Welcome to Split Decision!



In this weekly feature, found first in the print edition of The Trentonian every Wednesday, our two heavyweight columnists, L.A. Parker and Jeff Edelstein will square off against one another, with dueling columns on the same topic.

In the lead-up to each Split Decision, our writers agree on a topic then head off to their respective corners to pen their pieces. Then, each Wednesday, you'll get two unique takes on the same subject.

In this round of Split Decision, L.A. and Jeff stake out their positions on when and how to talk to kids about sex.
Check out Jeff's piece here and L.A.'s column here.

By L.A. PARKER

This week’s topic produced a conversation with a co-worker about sex talk and kids.
She made the ultimate confession.
“We call our (5-year-old) daughter’s private area her ‘HooHoo,’” she said.
Mind you, not to be confused with “WooHoo!,” a celebratory expression used by a close friend about every good occurrence in her life.
The last mistake we need is a grown woman’s “WooHoo” being confused with “HooHoo.” Or even “YooHoo” for that matter.
Some women in South Ward bars advertise their “HooHoos.”
And please, don’t associate “HooHoo” with any of the good people living in “Whoville.”
One can imagine that rhyme.
“All the grownups in Whoville, loved sex a lot. Indulged in their trysts with Jack Daniels and pot.”
“But the Grinch, who lived nearby despised such a thing, he understood penis but not ding-a-ling.”
(See Chuck Berry, 1972 “My Ding-a-ling)
OK, so I’m not Dr. Seuss.
But you see where I’m headed with this. If our society expects to claim any normalcy we better reference our private parts with universal names.
By the way, a website reported more than 250 words Americans use in place of “penis.” It’s partner of interest “vagina” racked up a similar count, sort of like George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words times 40.
Knowledge of sex and how the body works provides children with important information that enlightens and protects.
It’s all age appropriate though. I think that a child is more than ready for correct anatomical names by the time they are 3. By then, hopefully, you have not given a “Mr. Wilkins” title or “Land Down Under” to any private area.
Another co-worker said he has always referred to “testicles” as onions.
“I tell my son, you have to protect those onions,” he admitted.
Wait a minute. Does that mean that onions can switch places with testicles? Can you imagine the child’s upset when his father orders a South Philly cheesesteak with fried onions?
That boy will need about five years of psychiatric treatment to avoid some kind of emotional reaction whenever anyone orders onions.
If your child never asks about sex, then at some point, you need to broach the subject.
My mother had birthed 10 children by the time I was 11 years old. Until then, I knew only that babies were showing up at a rapid pace.
My teens offered another challenge. I didn’t understand any of the secret coding being used by teenaged girls.
“My Aunt Flo is in town,” one might say.
“Oh, yeah. Where’s she from?”
The classic menstruation story (every male just winced) occurred at about age seven.
My mom handed me a note to carry to the small town market on Main St.
I slipped the note onto the counter then waited as the clerk disappeared behind a curtain.
Very clandestine stuff. He returned with a brown paper bag.
I met a friend on a nearby lot. We took the box out of the bag and tossed it around like a football.
I headed home, flipped the box into the air as I raced past town people.
My mom nearly fainted as I walked into the house with an exposed box of tampons.
Sonny Jurgensen had passed for a touchdown to Pete Retzlaff. Went deep again for a score to Tommy McDonald with a sanitary product.
The New York Football Giants created the “Tampon Two” defense following the Eagles aerial assault.
Bottom line, teach kids about sex, their bodies, safety, and make every word sound wonderfully natural.
Down the road you can talk about contraception, STDS, etc.
Enjoy and celebrate when this is all over.
I hear the Whoville residents love to party.

By JEFF EDELSTEIN

A video cassette recorder and a video cassette.
That’s how my dad explained sex to me.
And no, he didn’t show me grainy recording of some 1950s sex-ed film.
Nor did he pop in a bootlegged copy of “Debbie Does Dallas.” What he did, precisely, was demonstrate how humans have sex by using the VCR as the feminine and the video cassette as the masculine.
Go ahead. Take a moment. I understand.
I got this talk probably around 10 or 12 or somewhere in there, and I can assure you, despite my father’s best intentions, the VCR lesson wasn’t exactly a rousing success when it came to explaining the birds and the bees to me.
By the time I got to 7th grade, the school system began teaching me about sex. Now, I don’t mean to disparage gym teachers, as I’ve found virtually all of them in my schooling life to be most pleasant human beings, but really: They should not have been teaching me about sex.
It’s a miracle I’m not still a virgin.
Gym teachers still teach sex-ed, right? Who made this original decision?
I’ll tell you who it wasn’t: Someone with any sense. Really, teaching about sex is pretty important, and we’re leaving it to people who … well, who are gym teachers. Again, nothing against gym teachers, I swear, but it just seems odd.
You ask me? There should be legit professionals in the classrooms with our kids, and it should start at an early age. How early? Well, I’ll leave that to the sex ed professionals. The whole mystery of sex — which, let’s not forget, is right up there with “eat food” and “find shelter” as far as biological imperatives go — should not be so mysterious. In fact, the earlier and less mysterious we make sex to our kids, the less chance they’ll end up doing something stupid, like get pregnant or get someone else pregnant.
(So to be clear: Abstinence education? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!)
I have a boy and a girl. He’s 3, she’s 2. So I don’t yet speak from experience. But when the time comes, I want them to have a solid knowledge base when it comes to sex so they don’t go off into the wild, all wily-nily with their wilys and their nillys all geared up for something they’re just plain stupid about.
— Jeff Edelstein can be reached at facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and twitter.com/jeffedelstein.

If you missed this week's Split Decision, have no fear, here it is all together in one place!

This week's topic was the debate over whether immigrants to the U.S. should be expected to learn and speak English.
Take a look at what Jeff Edelstein had to say on the topic here, and read L.A. Parker's opinion here.

We're also running a poll, allowing you to voice your opinion on who you thought had the right idea on the subject. Take a look at the columns, then make your pick here.